U.S. Navy Declares GPS Obsolete

U.S. Navy Declares GPS Obsolete, Celestial the Future

A spokesman for the Pentagon speaking on behalf of the Secretary of the Navy announced on Wednesday afternoon, March 31, that the U.S. Navy will no longer rely on the GPS satellite network for navigation at sea. Assistant Secretary Alan Gneiss issued the following statement: “Due to security issues within the GPS network, the Navy has decided it will abandon the network starting immediately. Recent U.S. Navy ship encounters and collisions while on patrol indicate that the GPS network can and has been hacked to the detriment of safety and wellbeing of our sailors at sea.  Moreover, anomalies in the accuracy of GPS, particularly in the South China Sea and the Black Sea, indicate that U.S. rivals may be the source of the hacking. In its place, the Navy will reinstitute celestial navigation and dead reckoning across the service, systems that can not be hacked and have proven reliable for centuries. In line with this move and to boost moral, the Navy has also decided to serve all sailors a ration of grog during the afternoon dog watch. This second policy move has been well received by the service.